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Strategies That Widen That Window of Tolerance
We are all capable of widening our window’s of tolerance. We can become more accepting of hard emotions. The first step is awareness. Observing when you are in your window of tolerance and when you start to veer out of it. Noticing which direction your body typically moves when it becomes dysregulated is the next step. There are plenty more strategies to use to help you open your window of tolerance. Note that these techniques work for you, the adults and parents, and for you to teach and model for your children.
Explaining The Window of Tolerance
What is the window of tolerance exactly? Before you can learn to be aware of and actually regulate your window of tolerance, you need to understand what the window of tolerance actually is. It’s a concept named by renowned psychiatrist Dan Siegel. He defines the window of tolerance as the optimal zone of “arousal” for a person to function in everyday life. When a person is operating in this window, they can effectively manage and cope with their emotions.
How Trauma Impacts The Window of Tolerance
Learning how to regulate your brain and body is the key to staying within one’s window of tolerance. When an individual experiences childhood trauma, as most adopted children do, it significantly impacts how wide their window of tolerance is. Another factor effecting your child’s window of tolerance is how well they have resolved this trauma. Let’s delve into each of these factors to truly understand how your child’s past may still be influencing how they manage their emotions and natural stressors that come about in life. In other words, if you can understand how your child’s window of tolerance has been shaped by their trauma, then you can meet them with empathy and understanding. To help your children increase their tolerance for distress, after you put on your compassion hat, you can then help them learn techniques to make positive change. That window of tolerance can absolutely be widened with skills and practice.
Dear Director: The Window of Tolerance Edition
Dear Director,
Our 11-year-old adopted son gets really angry and irritable sometimes and acts sweet as pie others. We never know when he will fly off the handle. His therapist says he has a narrow window of tolerance due to his rough upbringing that included severe neglect. We are having trouble understanding exactly what she is talking about. I wish he would act consistently and not be so volatile. What do you think?
– Confused
Dear Director: The Summer Camp Edition
Dear Director,
Our 13-year-old daughter wants to go to our local camp this summer. I loved my time at summer camp when I was growing up but I didn’t experience all the abuse and trauma that she did. I am worried that her past will interfere in her being able to actually participate in camp. She does well at school but gets support from the Emotional Support teachers. Please advise.
Signed, Summer is Coming
Summer Camp Resources
The kids with the most challenging behaviors and high levels of childhood trauma need camp the most. Research shows that developing healthy relationships with caring adults and time spent outdoors have the ability to heal the impact of childhood trauma.
Dear Director: The Invisible Return Label Edition
Dear Director,
I feel like a failure as an adoptive parent. I adopted Jules when he was 3. He is 15 now. For the past 4 years he has been in 3 different Residential Treatment Centers. Whenever he gets back home, all the old patterns of explosions, stealing, and utter chaos eventually continue. This time, his team is suggesting a different kind of placement where I remain his legal parent, yet he doesn’t live with me. I just keep remembering when the judge said to me in all seriousness all those years ago at his adoption: “Do you understand that this boy is now your child with all the commitment and responsibilities as if he was your child by birth?” Jules doesn’t want to live with me anymore and I recognize it just won’t work. So why do I feel so bad?
Signed, Weary and Sorrowful
Examining the Forever in Adoption: The Invisible Return Label
Adoption is a beautiful coming together; a connection; a ritual of pure love. If you have been lucky enough to be a present at an adoption, you know what I am talking about. Gives you goosebumps. Causes tears of joy. Reaffirms one’s belief in the goodness of humanity. An adoption is plain and simple,
How to NOT Return Your Adopted Child
Parents do not like to admit it. All parents. Adoptive or biological. But sometimes our children trigger us so much that we imagine giving them away. This is normal human nature. We have all been there as parents. We do not like to even own this thought. And usually the thought passes. But what makes some adoptive families follow through upon this impulse and others not? What makes some families actually act on that invisible return label?
